So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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