how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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