Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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