we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
