her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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