I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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