I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
