So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
