If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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