The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
