I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i will never coherently bang her
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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