Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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