so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Panties = found
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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