I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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