He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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