Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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