Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
