He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
