tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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