i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
