You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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