I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize