Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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