my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
