the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
