She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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