I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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