Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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