Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
