Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
