if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize