What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
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