I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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