Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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