I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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