"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
