There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
