Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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