Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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