I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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