my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
