see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
