i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
