Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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