I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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