I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize