I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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