i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have demons in me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
