My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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