so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
