I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
