I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
