There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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