i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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