Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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