you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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