when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
