Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
