Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
