Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I smell stomach acid.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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