Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
